Personality vs Behavior

The thing about therapy is that it is simply about people.  If I have learned one thing from this course that I am finishing up this week is that personalities people have and reflect throughout their lives are developed early.  Developed by genetics, parenting and just development all together into the people we are.  Throughout life, these personalities are built upon by life experiences, surroundings, cultures, religions (or lack of) and society views.  These personalities create behaviors.  Now, you cannot blame your behavior on anyone other than yourself essentially, once you become an adult you have to pay the piper (so to speak) and take responsibility for your behaviors/reactions in life.

Textbook speak is that people, as a whole, reflect their personalities in their behaviors.  Through experience a person will learn how to behave and the situations that are best suited for those behaviors.  Brittainy speak is that people, as a whole, reflect their personalities in their behaviors.  Through experience a person grows and learns who they truly are to the core.  And to the core a person is a development of all aspects of life ... the good and the bad.  The core of a person is who they are, not their behaviors.  A personality is developed, a behavior is controllable.  A. Behavior. Is. Controllable.  Which means that a person chooses to act a certain way.  You do not have to change how you feel, how life affects you or even who you are as a person.  But, a person has the complete and utter power to control how others perceive them and are affected by them.  A person has the COMPLETE power to speak life or death over other people.  So, that being said, my daily assessment is that I have the power to control how others behaviors and personalities affect me.

Lesson of the day ... for me, and from me ... is to NOT allow anyone else to control how you feel, how you react, how you behave, how you think and how you feel with their negativity.  Be the SuNsHiNe you want to see in the world.  I promise you, to the people that you mean the most to, a sunbeam is far more beautiful.  And those that don't matter, won't notice.  And even if they do notice, let them see joy, not a bad perception of your personality because of a mere behavior that could have been controlled.

Love Is Like Jazz ...

Here I am ... a full two years since my last post. I originally began blogging thinking it would give me an outlet for the millions of thought processes that go through my mind or even a window to actively put my passion out there (writing). However, I tend to prove to myself time and time again that I am the worlds worst at time management when it comes to things such as this ... and honestly that isn't a bad thing, right?!

Those of you that know me, truly know what the last couple of years have entailed. I'm not blogging about it. ;-) (lucky you, right?) What I am going to blog about is the new beginning that this year has perked up with.

Time after time I have told myself that I am going to finish school, you know? Finish what I started so many years ago. Well, this year it is happening. I graduate in less than a month with my degree in Arts of Psychology. Not only do I graduate with this but I am in the process of deciding which route I want to take in the field of psychology ... once I have that decided then the continuing of education will do exactly that. Continue. I was also offered a position in the advanced lit program from where I received my degree for Children's Literature. That is up for grabs ... still praying about that one.

I also told myself that this year would be a healthier year. One that would be not only physically healthy but also emotionally and mentally healthy. Happiness is a topic that many debate over. Some believe that you create your own happiness while others believe that your environment is what creates your level of happiness. I believe that it is a blend of both. I not only believe that if we chose to be happy, we will be, but I also believe that if you choose to be happy but there is negativity around you, then it is time to let go and rid your personal space of the magnetism that pulls you towards it. So I have begun the process of just that. It is absolutely a process, but one that I am working at for myself daily through prayer and positive energy. If there is someone or something negative that is in my life then I am definitely removing it.

People pleasing. Enough said. God is my Father and my children look up to me for guidance and support and faith-filled yumminess. Those are the three entities that I seek to please. <3

Friends. *sigh* "I didn't know, until I was at odds with the world, how much my friends who believe in me ... mean to me." - D.H. Lawrence

Cooking. I have learned to cook all over again. And I am really starting to master the whole Celiac cooking concept. My daughter was diagnosed last May. That means absolutely no glutens (wheat, casein, flour, pasta, etc), cows milk and chicken eggs. That means no pizza, no burgers, no pasta, no chicken nuggets, no french fries because they have been cooked in the same oil as the breaded meats with flour on them, no cheese, no ice cream, no ranch dressing. It also means that I have to read every single label because Xanthum Gum is grown on lactose and it also means that simple seasonings contain whey proteins. Basically my 8 year old daughter is a very disciplined young lady who is a Vegan who eats meat. No animal by-products and no glutens at all. She has been dedicated and has lost about 10 pounds and grown 7 inches since May. Completely transformed. Healthy. Happy. The princess I knew she would be if she just felt better. <3

Love. Well, love is like Jazz. Beautiful, chaotic and all over the place. To a fault, I love big or I don't love at all. This goes for my family, my friends and ... well ... it is contained for the one God gives me. The one change that this year has brought is my ability to completely and unconditionally love myself. I began this season in my life with that one simple rule. To love myself ... by doing this I have an even bigger capability within me than I ever thought possible. The unconditional caring and support. Being able to tear down the giant, jagged, unclimbable walls that I had formed into a labyrinth around my own little space. The tendency to not trust. The inability to show another person who I truly am. You know? That quirky, weird girl that listens to any music, dances while she cooks, never retells a joke and gets it right, is OCD unless it comest to laundry, loves LOVES tattoos, can get foggy-eyed over the perfect lyrics to the perfect tune, doesn't like to cry in public, is passionate ... completely and utterly passionate about her passions, is drawn to all things that are far from normal in the psych world ... the girl that isn't the best at putting things into words but loves her GOD with all that is in her and does the Snoopy Dance every single Friday morning (and on special occasions). The girl that has two amazing children that have shifted her from spontaneous to routine, and blessed to be transformed by the very souls that she delivered. ---> You see, by loving every single aspect and detail that pieces together to create the simple me that God created ... well, it is just simply BLISS.

This season in my life is exactly as God intended it to be. Blissful. I know it is already the end of February ... but I hope that this year has found each of you in your own state of Bliss.

Whirlwind

It has been a long time since my last post, and that "long time" has been filled with a whirlwind of events.

Lexi's surgery went well, but her recovery was really hard on her. She was extremely sick and in some pain for a full week. My surgery went well, and after three days in the hospital I was released thinking I would be home to snuggle with both the kids and recover with Lexi. Boy was I wrong about that.

Ten days after Lexi's surgery, she began to hemorage in the middle of the night. After a trip to the ER, to be told, "whatever it was has stopped, eat a popsicle and go on home", I called her surgeon in Amarillo who told us to get her up there ASAP to be examined. After seeing her surgeon, who removed a couple of blood clots in the back of her throat, said that she should be fine, but to linger around town for an hour before heading home. After an hour and a half wait, the ride home began. No more than 20 miles towards home and she started hemoraging AGAIN. I called her surgeon as she was rushed back to the clinic. He once again found another blood clot (which had formed between the last visit and the next episode) and he injected the back of her throat four times with numbing medication. By this round we had decided to stay in Amarillo for the night to be cautious. Her surgeon told us that he saw nothing else to do and that we should take her to a movie and to dinner as we normally would, BUT if it happened again she would definitely be going into surgery.

So ... we checked into a hotel room and decided on a movie to take her to after finding something to eat. All she wanted was the icing off of a cupcake and some ice cream, which I agreed to just so she would eat something, and the surgeon also said that cold foods would help keep her vessels constricted. Then it was off to the movies, where we watched The Princess and the Frog (super cute movie by the way) and she enjoyed a Coke Icee. After the movie we went back to hotel and got ready for bed. She was very tired, which was understandable, and we snuggled up to get a good nights sleep. Thinking the nightmare was over. But it was just beginning.

At midnight my daughter sat up in bed, grabbed my arm and began hemoraging yet again. I immediately called her surgeons emergency number and explained to the answering service what was happening. I waited no more than 2 minutes on hold before he was on the phone telling me to meet him at the hospital in half an hour. While making her gargle ice cold water (to constrict the vessels) we gathered the necessary items and was at the surgical center within 15 minutes where we found the staff waiting outside for us to arrive. They scooped her in, prepped her and off they took her to emergency surgery.

A little over an hour later her surgeon came back to the room informing us that the procedure went well and that she was in recovery. She had formed a few more blood clots which was allowing blood to continually run down her throat and into her stomach causing the hemoraging. He ordered a CBC on her for testing and told us to try and rest until later in the morning.

A few hours later, we were informed that she had lost 3.4 units of blood and that her clotting factors were well above normal, especially for a child. These results meant she needed a blood transfusion along with two plasma units to prevent more clotting while she recovered from this surgery. The thing with transfusions is that you need blood to cross-reference. She was severely dehydrated and low on blood. Various RN's and anethesists "dug" on her for a little over four hours, making 16 holes that were entered 30+ times to get a mere 2 ML of blood. They went in her arms, her wrists, her hands, her feet and eventually her groin.

During the last hour of attempting to draw her blood, all I could do was lay my head on her legs and pray. I was lifting my princess for the Lord to heal and to cover her in peace and comfort. At that time I heard the anethesist say, "I can't do this anymore. Not to her. We have to try something different." And as he pulled the needle up it flashed and the blood began to flow. At that moment I noticed 9 people in her room, around her bed, all praying and laying hands on her little worn out body simultaneously. When I say 9 people, I mean 9 people besides myself, my mother and my father. They were surgeons, RN's and lab techs.

Once the blood was drawn, it was a waiting game before the units arrived. The process of the plasma and transfusion took all night long. It began around 6:30 and ended at 8:00 the next morning. The poor night RN had her work cutout for her. With Lexi being such a young kid, there are so many precautions to take. She would come into her room, assess her for 20 minutes, leave and come back 10 minutes later to start over. I felt bad for her, but in turn was ever so grateful for her taking such good care of my daughter.

Now ... we are in a waiting game. Lexi is on limited activity, no recess and no PE until we see a pediatric hemotologist in a few weeks. Her dr's and surgeons believe that the medical mysteries we have had with her for the past year, along with her almost dying from hemoraging out, could very well be because she could have Von Willamsbrand. It is a blood clotting disorder which causes you to bleed-out after surgical procedures, injuries, etc. IF she in fact has this disorder it is not curable but can be treated in advance for future procedures. So it is a positive thing to know and a blessing in the medical field to have the accessibility to so many treatments.

Corbyn has done well throughout all of this considering that his Sissy cannot wrestle and Mommy hasn't been able to lift him. He is such a sweet boy and snuggles with her and I gently and plays just as sweet and easy.

At the beginning of this blog is a picture of Lexi in her "transfusion tiara". She was my little "blood princess". So brave. Words will never describe the event, how we all felt, how Lexi handled it all, and my gratefulness and love for each of my friends and family members that constantly prayed for and over my daughter, myself and my son during the past 6 weeks. God bless each of you!

Serenity now ... Insanity later

After having a road trip with my daughter today to see an ENT about her tonsil problems he decided within the first five minutes that her tonsils definitely need to come out. Soon. So ... with that being said, her surgery is set for next Monday. Yes ... a week from today!

The next couple of weeks are going to be pure chaos in my household, but I have faith that once this year ends, 2010 is going to be fabulous! With Christmas just a few days away we are doing what everyone else is doing this time of year. Spending it with family and friends while filling each and every waking moment with travels, meals, gift exchanges, photos and memories. So, now I am throwing into the mix a tonsilectomy the Monday after Christmas which will be followed by my hysterectomy just two days after that. The good thing is that my princess and I can snuggle up together while we recovery for a few days.

I am praying for successful procedures, fast recoveries and for my little man, who is only two years old, to understand that this is only temporary and that things will settle down shortly after.

May all of your Christmas vacations be filled with ease and magic!

CHRISTmas ...

I absolutely love this time of year. I love how the lights put a soft glow in a cozy living room and how they twinkle in the night. I love wrapping gifts for my loved ones and anxiously waiting to see their faces as they open them. I can sit up for hours wrapping gifts at night. I love baking and making Christmas candies. I love my children's faces each morning during December as they wake up to find the Elf on a Shelf, who they have named "Elfie", and as they look in each of their Advent Calendars to see what the "Christmas Angel" has brought to them for being so sweet and saying their prayers everyday. I love the togetherness with family and friends and how old memories surface into the funniest stories, with each person having a slightly different rendition. I love the smell of all things Christmasy. But most of all I love, and I mean I LOVE, that it is Christ Jesus' birthday. He is absolutely the reason for the season.

As I have tried to emphasize on the importance of this to my children they are growing to love that part of Christmas as much as I do. My daughter, who is 6, has already made the statement numerous times that she wants to bake a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas morning before opening any gifts. And my son will say, "Jesus birfday" (birthday out of a 2 year olds mouth). The very first gift they received in their Advent Calendar was a daily devotional book for December. A Christmas countdown. Each day we read a story leading up to Jesus' birth, a devotional, a scripture and it has a neat craft for each day as well. They love this book! It is such a joy to experience this with my children.

I have been pleased to notice that more people are making a point to say, "Merry Christmas" to each other and to send cards with it written inside them. I have personally only encountered one lady that told me to have a "happy holiday" and I returned the gesture with, "You have a very Merry CHRISTmas as well". When I said this she in turn told me, "Merry Christmas to you, too". I instantly had the feeling that she was saying "happy holiday" to customers out of fear she would offend someone by saying Christmas. I hope that my insistance in saying Christmas will give her the faith and ability to say what her heart wants to. For HE in no means deserves for us to be worried about others feelings in regards to HIM. Those people need to be reminded that HE is the reason for EVERYTHING.

My daughter's class did a fabulous job on their program this morning during their classroom Christmas party. They recited two poems and sang three songs. Afterwards they performed the reindeer hokey pokey and it was precious. They all wore reindeer antlers and had their noses painted red. It was the sweetest thing seeing those small children work so hard with their teacher to show us what they had been working on. Sweet babies! One little girl ran up and hugged my neck. She didn't say one word to me. She just ran over, wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek before going back to her desk. I do not know what the reasoning was behind the affection, but I hugged her back. Sometimes we all just need a hug. Right?

With all this being said, I want to wish every single one of you a very Merry CHRISTmas and a fabulous new year. I hope to be back and blog before 2010 begins, but I will be enjoying my children and family and may not think of it before then.

May God bless each of you with safe travels, happy hearts, smiling faces, memories, hugs, pictures, full stomachs and the love of HIS birthday surrounding you. You are all special to me and I am blessed by each of your friendships. May you remember that HE had the birthday and we received the gift! Merry CHRISTmas to you all.

Motherhood is NOT for Sissies ...

I have officially decided that I need more time in each day the Lord blesses me with.

It seems like the older I get, along with the additional wisdom, I am not getting any better with time managment. And that is something I dearly need help with.

For the past few months I have been juggling a job, two children - one of whom started kindergarten this year and the other that has recently entered the "terrific two's" - marriage, friendships, a side job (candle sales), my daughter's school activities, my own school work, Christmas shopping and also trying to keep my home clean and running smooth.

Now I know that I am NOT the only woman that juggles all of these things. But it always seems to me that all of the other Mom's are Super-Mom's. They look well rested, they seem to be able to schedule time for "fun" activities and "girl" time. How do you do it? That is my question for the day.

I am a firm believer that Motherhood is NOT for Sissies. Period. I am a tough woman. I function on an average of 4-5 hours of sleep each night. And ... to top it off, I cannot seem to get it all done even at that. Frustration and stress? ... well, that has been replaced with twirling, which makes sense to those of you that read my previous blog. Maybe I should learn to multi-task and cook dinner, do laundry, shampoo carpets, clean bathrooms, treat wood floors, etc while twirling. ??? (smile)

My daughter, the sweetest girl on the planet, told me yeserday that she was going to ask Santa for something special for Christmas and then give it to me. When I asked her what she was wanting she told me, "Momma, I want Santa's elves to make you a pretty button to push when you need help doing all that you do to make us all so happy. That way it would just magically do itself for you." Super sweet kiddo!

It isn't like I put my children off to clean by any means. For those of you that have seen my house, you know that isn't happening. I enjoy my children each minute I have with them. I stay up super late doing homework and laundry so that I can enjoy them for the couple of hours I have with them before bedtime each night. So ... for her to sweetly think of such a thoughtful gift for Mommy ... well, I thought it was precious.

Now if I could just find me an elf that could make one of those things she speaks of ...

When in doubt. Twirl.

Today is one of those days that I simply need to reboot and start over. I need to empty my head and start fresh. Literally.

This morning started out with Lexi's sonogram appointment. Although I have every faith it will produce normal results, as a mother of a 6 year old daughter going through all of this, I am stressed to the max. I am worried about her and just want her to feel good and like a "normal kiddo".

Now, with all that has gone on with her and myself, my Papa is thrown in the mix. A few weeks ago they thought he was trying to have a heart-attack, while on a trip out of town. But the test results showed no signs of actual "attack" occuring. So after 48 hours in the hospital he was released and allowed to travel back home. He made an appointment with his local physician who referred him to a cardiologist in Amarillo, which in turn did a stress test and other testing on him. The stress test came back normal, but we found out last night that the visual exam, not so normal. So ... with that said we are now praying that the heart cath he will be having in December will produce normal results, or at least answers that we can then use to make decisions for repair and a fast recovery.

So ... with all that is going on I just wanna scream ... but my new motto is, "When in doubt. Twirl." I am going to learn to use my stress and direct it towards "twirling". Literally. One of my favorite quotes from a movie, Dazed and Confused, is "I just wanna dance". Well, I'm going to dance through all of this stress and mental mumbo-jumbo that Satan is throwing at my family. My kids twirl all the time instead of standing still. It makes them giggle. I'm going to use the same method as an adult. I'm going to giggle and twirl!

So ... good luck to all of you trying to commit me when you see me in the grocery store twirling in front of the canned veggies or the milk. It isn't shopping ... it is retail therapy. It isn't craziness ... it is de-stressed twirling.

And for those of you being fantastic prayer warriors for all that I am going through. I love each of you for being my brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you a million times over!!!